M&M’s the last thing that needs a makeover

Many of us have a candy or sweet that we enjoy, something that’s considered a treat for achieving something, surviving something or something to munch on to pass the time. I’m particularly fond of M&M’s, clinging onto the slogan that the milk chocolate will melt in your mouth and not in your hand. The little candies have never really stayed in my hand that long to put the statement to the test, but I digress.

Besides enjoying the chocolates themselves, we’ve been entertained by the commercials giving the candies animated form. Most of them followed the antics of the red and yellow M&M’s, but over the years, the other colors have been given screen time, much to our delight and amusement. Let’s face it. We all enjoy something that moves to the beat of a different drum, and if we didn’t like the M&M’s as they were, I’m sure Mars would have stopped coming up with such commercials ages ago.

Unfortunately, it seems like even our candy is not safe from the realm of political correctness that has implemented a bigger stranglehold on society than ever these days. Mars, the parent company of M&M’s, has decided that the colored candies need a makeover — not of the candy itself, thank God, but the way the candies portray themselves in the commercials.

For starters, there will be no more go-go boots for the green M&M, and no more high heels for the brown one. A change in footwear I can live with, but apparently there’s going to be a massive rewrite of their personalities, stating in a press release that they hope to showcase “a world where everyone belongs.”

When exactly did round, colorful candies make people feel like they’re not welcome or wanted? There’s a staggering difference between the debate about whether a transgender person should be played by someone who has been comfortable with his or her gender since birth and commercials where chocolate caricatures make us laugh.

Of course, the announcement from Mars didn’t stop there. It went on to state that the candy characters’ “more nuanced personalities to underscore the importance of self-expression and power of community through storytelling.”

Pardon me for just a moment. My mouth needs a thorough scrubbing to get the taste of political correctness out of it.

Once again, we’ve delved into the procedure where the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many, where the rest of us must suffer because someone found the previous personalities of the M&M’s offensive. I’m a storyteller, and oftentimes I’ve found — both through journalism and writing fiction — that most folks react better to what they need to know, as opposed to what makes them happy.

There’s a fine line between modernizing fictional characters and turning them into symbols for corporate sociopolitical activism. In the press release, the green and brown M&Ms will now “throw shine and not shade” while the red M&M will be “nicer,” and the orange M&M, who used to be the paranoid one, will now “embrace his true self.”

How exactly are these changes going to convince more people to buy the candy? I personally liked it whenever the green M&M put the smug red M&M in his place. I got a laugh from seeing the not-so-smart yellow M&M try to stuff a brownie into the tiny candies when the company announced the brownie-flavored M&M’s. Changes and evolution should always be subtle, not the equivalent of clubbing someone over the head with “values.”

If we’re going to be inclusive with the M&M’s, why are we taking away the genders? Mars has announced that they will no longer be referred to as “Ms. Green” and so on. Men and women do still exist, you know. None of us could have come into being without them.

Inclusivity goes well beyond genders, too. When are we going to see a farmer M&M, herding his chocolates in from the pastures at night? Where are the M&M’s in a loving, same-sex relationship? Where’s the Native American M&M to symbolize the company’s commitment to caring for the earth? When are we going to see a baby M&M? An elderly M&M?

In changing the personalities to try and bring the world together, Mars has actually polarized its audience. I’ve seen a number of views on the change, although Fox News commentator Tucker Carlson takes the cake. He said: “M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal. When you are totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity.”

Um, Tucker, if you’re turned on by little round candies and spend your nights getting liquored up with them, you might want to see a therapist. The rest of us just want to savor them, not have an affair with them.

There are plenty of things in the world that need changing and improvement, but M&M’s are not one of them. For goodness’ sake, it’s chocolate, not the key to world peace. Give us more flavors and more colors if you like, but don’t ruin the characters we’ve all grown to love.

That’ll send us all flocking to Skittles.

Lee Pulaski is the city editor for NEW Media. Readers can contact him at lpulaski@newmedia-wi.com.