The elusive set of keys prompts quite a chase

I suppose there comes a time for many people when they just can’t find the simplest of things. My keys have been missing for a couple of days — not my car keys, which also carry my mailbox key and the key to my front door, but the ones that open everything else, like my back door.

I’m guessing it’s God’s way of saying “get a little exercise” as I have had to make my way from the garage at the back of my property to the front door.

Many women choose to wear a purse every day, but I am not one of those women. I also find humor in “wearing” a purse, but as far as I know, that is still the proper way for it to be phrased. The chances of my keys being in my purse were remote, but I had to start somewhere.

The search through that one purse that I do use on occasion proved fruitless but amusing, at least by my standards. I found a lollipop that claimed to have gum in the middle. Not being a gum-chewer, it gave me pause to wonder why I would even have that type of confectionery in my possession. A partial unwrap and the obligatory lick for flavor and freshness quickly determined this was not for me. Still not sure why I wrapped it up and threw it back in, but that’s for another column.

The purse contained other treasures received from the gal pals in my life. A bejewelled-purse-holder-upper, not sure that’s the actual name but it does describe its purpose of attaching to a table top so that the purse can hang from it rather than collect dirt from a restaurant floor. Not sure why I would eat at a restaurant with dirty floors, but I remember how excited my friends were when we all received our very own bejewelled-purse-holder-upper.

In a small slim box, I found a cleverly marketed plastic spray bottle filled with liquid to be sprayed in your toilet bowl to mask any unpleasant odors. This was another gift from one of the gal pals accompanied by several laughs and bets as to whose would be empty first. I’m guessing the inventor of this novelty has made millions by being in the right place at the right time. Not much call for this type of product in the days of the pioneer when outhouses were all the rage.

Most surprising, at the very bottom of the purse, was the collection of pens I could never find when needed. I’m guessing this cache is the reason I tend to buy a package of pens as frequently as some people buy jars of mayonnaise — we can’t remember if we have it, but we don’t want to be without.

I suppose it would be prudent to check my refrigerator to see just how many jars of mayonnaise I have in there. What a bonus if I found my keys. I can honestly say I’ve never misplaced my keys in the refrigerator, but I do fear that day is coming.

My dining room table serves as command central in my house and is cleverly decorated in tornado chic. There are medicines and vitamins and supplements to ensure I enjoy a long and happy existence. There is a bowl of fruit to provide easy access to a healthy snack. A few mountains of newspapers and magazines take a proprietary sprawl across most of the surface — I should be allowed, I’m in the business — and I’m pretty sure there’s a plaque saying messy people are geniuses somewhere.

In my effort to find my keys on my table, I found a book of H.C. Andersen’s fairy tales I bought a year ago when a friend called to say she’s a grandma. At this rate, that boy will be in college before he gets it. When I moved the book to read a few passages, I heard a familiar jingle as my keys fell from the notebook I had also been missing. Color me happy.