Coronavirus creating new business opportunities

THE SCENE: A dark alley somewhere in the city just after midnight. A car is parked, its lights off. A man sits inside in the driver’s seat, waiting. Another vehicle slowly pulls into the alley and parks behind him. The headlights are switched off. After a moment the driver of the car that just pulled up gets out of his vehicle and walks over to the other car. He knocks on the driver’s side window. The driver rolls down his window.

“Yeah?”

“You got the stuff?”

“Maybe. You got the money?”

“Not till I see the stuff.”

“I told you I got it. Don’t play games with me. You’re the one set this up. You called me. You got my name, right?”

“I got your name.”

“OK, then.”

“OK, nothin’. For all I know, you could be a cop. I pull my money out and half a dozen badges come runnin’ out here and bust me.”

“That’s the chance you take if you wanna buy, man. You don’t wanna buy, go home. I don’t need your business. There’s a lot of people want to buy what I got. I could sell everything I got tomorrow without even seeing you. Besides, how do I know you’re not a cop?”

“‘Cause I’m the one who called you.”

“That’s right. So if you are a cop, that’s already entrapment. Look, can we stop this and just get down to business here? I got other appointments and if we hang around here too long someone’s gonna get suspicious. Then we’ll have the cops down on both of us. OK? So let’s get on with it.”

The driver gets out of the car.

“I got the stuff back here. How much do you want?”

“Well, wait a minute, we didn’t settle on the price.”

“Twenty bucks per.”

“Twenty?”

“There’s a lot of demand, man.”

“The guy who gave me your name, he said he bought for ten.”

“That was then, this is now. It’s supply and demand. The price goes up.”

“By double the amount?”

“Yeah, by double the amount. Where do you think you are? Charlie’s market? Aldi’s? You’re not at Walmart, pal, there’s no price gouging rules here. The only rule here is how much do you want what I got. Enough to pay 20 per? If not, go home.”

“OK, OK. I’ll pay the twenty. Where’s the stuff.”

“Trunk of my car.”

“Let’s see it.”

The driver goes to the back of his car and opens the trunk.

“OK, there it is. See? Hey, hey, don’t touch it. You can look, but till you pay there’s no touching.”

“That looks like single-ply.”

“It is single-ply. What’d you expect for 20 bucks a roll?”

“I wanted double-ply.

“Are you nuts? You know how hard it is today to score double-ply toilet paper? “

“I’m not paying $20 for a roll of single-ply, man.”

“Well, you ain’t gonna pay no $20 a roll for double-ply, I can tell you that. Double-ply toilet paper I could get 50, 60 bucks. I mean, come on, man, you just get off a bus from Mars or somethin’? The coronavirus thing has got everybody freaking crazy. They’re hoarding toilet paper for a respiratory disease! Figure that one out. There’s no TP on the store shelves anymore, man. You know what’s goin’ on. You read the papers.”

“No. I used to read the papers, now I just use the papers.”

“My point exactly, that’s how bad things are. People are desperate for toilet paper. If they can’t get it, they’re using paper towels, and you’re not supposed to flush paper towels.”

“Well, what about the brand. I mean, is it at least brand-name toilet paper?”

“Oh, give me a break! Now it’s gotta be a brand name? Who am I selling to here, the Charmin bears? It’s toilet paper, who cares what brand it is?”

“I don’t know, man. Twenty bucks for a no-brand name single-ply roll of toilet paper?”

“What do you expect? I gotta make a profit. You know what kind of competition I’m facing out there? The freaking girl scouts are giving toilet paper away free if you buy their cookies! Can you believe that? Girl scouts are hoarding TP so they can sell cookies. That’s the world we live in. So if you don’t wanna buy what I got, go buy yourself some girl scout cookies and stop wasting my time.”

“OK, OK. I’ll take two rolls. That’s all I can afford right now.”

“OK. Done.”

“I’m gonna need some more in a few days, though. I don’t know how long I can make two rolls of toilet paper last.”

“Well, do what everybody else is doing. Cut down on Mexican food.”

“Right.”

“Here you go. And don’t take it out of the brown paper bag till I’m gone. Been a pleasure doin’ business with you. Feel free to mention me to your friends. I mean, if you can trust ‘em.”

“I know some people might be interested.”

“Cool. And by the way. If you like the toilet paper. I know where I can get hold of some hand sanitizer.”

Tim Ryan is a Leader reporter and intermittent columnist. He can be reached at tryan@newmedia-wi.com.